Still dreaming...

I am.... disappointed. And I feel so fucking

Stupid.

What was I thinking?



I never learn.

I think that maybe I'm getting too open with my emotions in certain situations. I feel like maybe I shouldn't because something bad might happen. Like, I'll get hurt. I wish I wasn't so insecure about so many things, and that I could just get over... a lot. So, I'm thinking I should just clam up. Because already, I feel like an idiot over being so open with myself. Mostly I'm just afraid of being rejected. It's like, "okay, you're in my past, go away." I hate that. Seriously, I hate when I start getting sentimental about everything and I just want to rekindle everything that ever was, and anything that was ever good to me before. I suck at accepting things.

I need to let go.

And I need to not have a second interview at Wilson's even though I was told there's not an opening right now. Just give me the fucking job or let me look somewhere else.

I hate that I have to go back and read from my old blog in order to replicate any form of good writing.

Because it's hardly interesting for me to write about how I watched a lifetime movie today about a sixteen year old kid who's growing addiction to internet pornography is causing his once-successful life to downward spiral. Um, okay.

I used to write sooo good. So fucking good. And you know, it was nice having depression as a muse, because it worked so well. Recently I read somewhere... this musician said that the best time to write anything is when you're lonely. Back then I must have been a sad little dead girl in my own little lonely world full of lonelydom. But you know, I'm not AS lonely now, and I guess that's good, otherwise. But I wish I could write that way again. Because I was so good at expression. I wrote so well that I think everyone who ever read what I wrote became so attached to my words and they could feel what I was saying like it was their very own life. Like they had personally written it. Even when I would read what I wrote I would feel like I was a completely different person while I read those whiny words of shame. And maybe I wasn't such a good writer, and maybe I really wasn't so good with expression. This could all be in my head. BUT... it makes me happy that at least I believed I was good. Seriously, what else am I good at? I'm writing about...writing. What the fuck is this?


I am more and more (and more) realizing that I MUST do something with myself this summer. I have to start something good. Because I can't keep rolling out of bed and then rolling back in, with no life in between. I need a fucking car. More than anything else. And then I'd get that second-place winner of needing something more than anything else: JOB. Full-time, fucking...hobo. No joke, I'm looking for something productive because I have to stop sitting on my ass waiting for my parents, mainly my mom, to do anything that would make sense considering my family's disposition. We are four people with one car needing to go to many different places in many different directions. Notice my emphasis on needing. I NEED to go to college, but that's not happening, and that depresses me more than...so many things. People ask me "Jessica, so what are your plans?" and you know they mean what college are you going to, what are you going to study..blah blah fuckity fuck... and I just want to kill myself. I hate adults. I hate the adults in my family that don't know a thing about me and the minute they find out that I'm graduating (at the time) they think they can lecture me about what I NEED to do, like I haven't already thought of these things (It's my life, you fuck). How I NEED to "write down everything I want to do... that's the first step" and "you need to think about if you want to go to an out of state college, or stay close to home" or "are you getting a car? do you have the money for one?" No, ma'am... I don't fucking have the money for a car or I wouldn't... I wouldn't be so angry when people would constantly ask me what my plans are after graduation.

Because I would have plans.

Do I seem angry? I guess that is what's replacing depression in me. I'm so angry all the time, every time I want to post I end up having to erase so much because it's too angry.

And that hurts my image.

I guess I feel a lot more comfortable blogging in here than on myspace because... there's not the whole fact that things are only on myspace for other people to see.

I wrote this yesterday because I couldn't get online to post it.

So I'm feeling pretty depressed right now and it's all due to the same things that always bother me. Just... all of a sudden it's all piled up and it all ready matters more than usual. Except for one thing. One thing that I always feel like I'm finally over, but it seems to eventually find its way back to picking at my mind. I've lost quite a few best friends. A couple of them are partly my fault. And maybe the one that seems to stand out more than the others could be my fault too. I moved and maybe I didn't keep in touch the right way. I did something wrong. Apparently. Whatever happened, whatever caused it, it doesn't really matter now. I can't change it. But it hurts so bad to lose a best friend who came to me when ever she felt like shit. And now it's because of her that I feel like shit. Isn't that ironic. So where is my best friend to cheer me up and make me feel like all my tears are ridiculous? She's in the past because that's where she wants to be to me... just something in my past. Or that's what she wants me to be to her. It wouldn't be so bad if maybe I had a new best friend to help me forget. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't drive away the other two people that meant just as much to me, because with them it just wouldn't hurt so bad anymore. But I fail to meet any new people that I feel that close to. You know, I have this great boyfriend who is there for me just like a best friend, and I don't understand why it still feels like there's something missing.

And I don't understand why for so long I can feel okay and then it springs up on me that I am so alone.

When I was 5 years old my next door neighbor and I would constantly fight over each others' toys and declare that our friendship was over, and few minutes later we would be back to playing Barbies together again. I hate that I've had so many friendships end and they've been that way permanently. It's hard to feel alone and want other peoples' company. It's so much easier to feel alone and want it that way. Because you know, there's a reason and it has the capability of changing.

But I've got this constant cycle of losing...and losing.

As far as I know, I do not live in a Soap Opera on daytime television. My life is not a rollercoaster of friends and enemies, stabs in the back, and sudden befriendment. This is so lame. How does a person be straight forward and honest without starting any shit between anybody? How do you get something across without anybody taking it personally and suddenly hating you for it? I'm 18, that's how. I dunno, I think grown adults are the same way. Only they aren't as straight forward. They talk behind each others back and have shit-eating grins while talking to the person's face. And it's all a lot more civil, actually. Because everybody knows what's going on, but nobody says or does anything about it, and everyone just continues their shit-talking. Okay, maybe that's not a better way to be, because it's a lot more satisfying to be honest. It's just the outcomes that suck.
I just don't want enemies. Not even enemies, I just don't want to have tension with anybody. It's so much better to be honest and accept that from everyone, and you're over it. Plus, I think I'd live longer, not having in the back of my mind how someone hates me, or actually goes out of their way to not give a shit about me.

Anyway... I had a wonderful trip to Glen Burnie to visit the guy of my dreams. That is why it is justifiable for me to cry and be so depressed when I have to come home. But he's coming to prom and graduation, very soon. And my grandparents are coming, even the bad g-ma. And I wish my uncle was coming, and bringing his family. I haven't seen my cousins since they were little toddlers, and they're all grown up now. That's not very fair. My uncle is an asshole though. I have to understand that. And I have to understand that his wife made him that way when they got married. (He wasn't always like that...he actually used to care about other people besides himself and his wife and kids. Like, his sister and her kids.) He's not coming, because we haven't seen each other since I was 13...and I guess I'm still the same person so it doesn't matter...that's it. I wish I had a bigger family than I do, because then it wouldn't be so upsetting when one person decides not to care.

Blah blah blah...
this is it.

There's some people, who I'm even friends with, and they annoy me. I get so irritated, and you know, maybe it's for a good reason, and maybe it's completely unnecessary. But I hate when I get interrupted. How do you not realize, or maybe you do realize, but regardless, how do you just completely talk over someone? And then, there's another thing. I hate when people say "I'm 18, I don't have to do what my parents say, I can do whatever I want." and...um...you still live with your parents, in their house. And yeah, legally you really can do whatever you want. But you LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS. And maybe there's just something stupid about me, but I really don't think you can act like you can do whatever the fuck you want when you still live with your parents. You live there for free, get free food...whatever. So how do you think you can do whatever you want and not get those things taken from you because you decide you want to be an uncaring shit?

Rant much? Yes, I do.

Anyway. The most important things I have to right now:
1. Tell/ask Dad about going to Maryland to...help David pick out his tuxedo for prom.
2. Lose weight/be anorexic for a month and a half so I can *perfectly* fit into my prom dress.
3. Get David to talk us to Ocean City.

So, that's that stuff. And I need to get number one done like, wicked RIGHT NOW because I should be leaving April 14, and that's not very far away. At all. And this is important, more than any other visit because it's almost during our 2 YEAR anniversary. I have to go. And I will...because...

I'm 18, and I can do whatever I want.

So the reason why I'm making this quick is because David is waiting for me to finish doing whatever it is I'm doing so we can watch Friends some more.

I'm starting a new blog. In a different place that is not Blogger because, I guess, I just need to. Need to not always have the same thing. So I can write more, and write better.

Okay.